Hawthorne's birth story

This is not an easy story for me to retell.  In fact, I'm still having actual nightmares about it.  But I want to get it down in writing since it's the story of how my sweet Hawthorne made his entrance into the world.  It wasn't unlike his brother's birth in that it was dramatic; however, he decided to one up his brother by nearly killing me.

I started having contractions on Thursday, November 7, around 2:00 pm while Emerson was taking a nap.  Emerson woke up from his nap and we went over to a friend's house to play.  I was still having contractions.  Layton asked if he should come home early and since they had been about 10 mins apart for hours, I decided it wasn't any rush.  I fed Emerson dinner and then went upstairs to rest.  We put Emerson to bed and I continued to have contractions.  Around 11 pm they were pretty strong and my doula decided to come over.  At around 1:30 am they were getting pretty close together and I was shaking really bad.  My doula decided it was time to head to the hospital.

We got to the hospital and after they checked me we found out that I was only 1 cm dilated, but the baby was extremely engaged.  Everyone said that they'd never seen a baby's head so engaged and the mom only be 1 cm.  They checked me in and got me a room.  Then the back labor started.  It was even worse this time around then when I was in labor with Emerson.  I tried getting in the jacuzzi tub and that didn't work.  Walking, the yoga ball, massage, and counter pressure didn't work either.  After 22 hours they checked me again and I was only 3 cm dilated.  At this point I couldn't even stand up on my own.  Layton had to hold me up I was shaking so bad.

We finally decided that I should get an epidural.  My doula thought I needed the rest and thought that might possibly help me dilate quicker.  Then the doctor came in and suggested a Foley catheter to help my cervix dilate.  They'd leave it in for 12 hours and hope that I had dilated more when they took it out.  After awhile my epidural started wearing off, so they came in to give me another one.  When they took the Foley out 12 hours later I was dilated to a 7!  They gave me a little pitocin to try and get me the rest of the way.  It took about another 7 hours, but I was finally dilated to a 10.

It was time to push and I was so excited because I thought I was finally going to get my VBAC!  I couldn't believe that I was actually going to experience birth the way that God created my body to.  I couldn't believe that I was going to be able to pull my baby up and place him on my chest, not have to be separated from him for over an hour while they sowed me up after a csection.  I just couldn't believe that I was actually doing it.

I pushed for 2 hours and nothing happened.  The doctor came in to check me and informed me that I was now only 7 cm dilated.  Apparently,  a person's cervix can go back in dilation.  They told me I needed to stop pushing.  If you've ever had a baby, you know that this is impossible to do when the baby's head is in your pelvis!  So they gave me a drug through my epidural so I didn't feel the urge to push.  At this point, Hawthorne's heart rate started to drop after every contraction.

We decided after nearly 46 hours of labor that it was best if we did a csection.  I was devastated.  I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe.  I knew it was the best thing for my boy, but I felt like a failure again.  They started wheeling me to the OR when I started having this horrible, unexplainable, searing pain in my lower left abdomen where my previous csection incision is.  The pain was worse than any of the labor I had been feeling for the past 46 hours.  I told the nurse what I was feeling and she started running.  They got me into the OR and called a "CAT Code", which means everyone hurry because it's an emergency.  Layton and my doula were out in the hall waiting to come in and they saw all of the doctors and nurses running into my OR.

The emergency was that I had a "window" in my uterus where my previous incision was.  This means that my incisions was starting to come apart, my uterus was getting dangerously close to rupturing, and I could bleed to death.  Because of this, they only completely numbed my stomach where they'd be cutting, so I could feel quite a bit of pain everywhere else on my tummy.  His head was so wedged in my pelvic bone from all of the labor and pushing that they almost had to vacuum him out.  The tugging, pulling, and pushing was so excruciating that I was screaming!  They finally got him out, showed him to me really quickly over the curtain, and then gave me so much medication that I fell asleep.  Layton quickly made sure Hawthorne was okay and then had to leave he was so overwhelmed.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room holding and nursing my boy.

Is this the way that I wanted to birth my baby? No.  Did I want a ton of interventions? No.  Did I want to be lying flat on an operating table again during birth? No.  Do I still struggle with our birth story almost every day? Yes.  Do I still get angry inside when people say to me "At least you have a healthy baby!"? Yes!

For some yet still unknown reason, this is the way that Hawthorne was meant to come into this world.  For some yet still unknown reason, I will never experience that unmedicated, vaginal birth that I so desperately wanted with both of my boys.  Someday I know that I'll see some lesson in both of my births.  Until then I hold onto the fact that I can pretty much do anything after the labor and delivery of Hawthorne.  I AM STRONG because of everything that my body went through to bring him into this world.  I AM ALIVE and so very thankful for modern medicine.

Little Brother's Gender Reveal

28, 32, and 36 weeks

How far along: 28, 32, and 36 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 22 lbs

Maternity clothes: I have pulled out my maternity clothes for when we've gone out, but I still pretty much live in yoga pants and stretchy tank tops during the day.  They are a lot more comfortable for me to play with Emerson.  

Stretch marks: None

Sleep: Sleep is hit or miss right now.  Most nights I have to get up to pee 2 or 3 times and then in between that I'm woken up by raging heartburn and have to eat a few Tums.

Best moment these past few month: Finding out that you flipped head down!  I'd been trying so much to get you to flip and it actually happened.  So we're heading for a VBAC it looks like!

Movement: A lot!  You are starting to run out of room, so your movements have turned into more of a rolling motion or a stretching.

Food cravings: Bean burritos and egg salad sandwiches.

Gender: You are still a boy!

Labor signs: None - Just a few Braxton Hicks throughout the day.

Belly button - in or out? It's completely out now!

What I miss: Wine

What I am looking forward to: Having you!  Today I am full term, so we're just playing the waiting game now.

Milestones: This past weekend we got your carseat in the car, your bassinet set up next to our bed, my hospital bag packed, and the swings ready for you.  Now we're just waiting!

16, 20, and 24 weeks

So I'm a little behind in keeping up with my blog this time around.  I guess that's what happens when you have an almost 2 year old to chase around after.  Here's a catch up on the last 12 weeks!

How far along: 24 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 15 lbs

Maternity clothes: I have pulled out my maternity clothes for when we've gone out, but I still pretty much live in yoga pants and stretchy tank tops during the day.  They are a lot more comfortable for me to play with Emerson.  

Stretch marks: None

Sleep: Sleep is okay right now. I am experiencing pretty bad heartburn again with this baby, so that keeps me up some nights.

Best moment these past few month: Starting to get your nursery ready!

Movement: A lot!  You are starting to do a lot of rolls and somersaults!

Food cravings: Still cereal a lot of evenings and chili!

Gender: We found out at 20 weeks that you are a little boy!  Another blog coming soon on our gender reveal.

Labor signs: None - Just a few Braxton Hicks throughout the day.

Belly button - in or out? It's completely out now!

What I miss: Food.  Food is never very good to me when I'm pregnant.  Real yoga.  I love prenatal yoga, but it isn't power yoga.

What I am looking forward to: Getting the glider and crib for your nursery within the next month.  I also get to see you again next week for another ultrasound.

Milestones: Getting most of your nursery started.

Week 12 bumpdate

How far along: 12 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 4 lbs

Maternity clothes: No maternity clothes yet.  I pretty much live in yoga pants and stretchy tank tops

Stretch marks: None

Sleep: Sleep is okay right now.  I'm getting up to pee usually 2 times and sometimes I have a hard time staying asleep.  I do usually take a nap during the day.

Best moment this month: Getting to see you 3 times via ultrasound!

Movement: Just a tiny bit.  Every once and awhile I can feel very faint flutters.

Food cravings: Sugary cereal - fruit loops, kix, lucky charms, golden grahams.  Sweet chili Doritos.

Gender: Don't know yet, though I have my suspicions that you are a girl.

Labor signs: None

Belly button - in or out? Half way out this time.  I don't think it ever went back to normal after having Emerson.

What I miss: Having energy and actually wanting to eat foods.  I have been so sick for the past 8 weeks, but I think there is hope in sight soon!

What I am looking forward to: Finding out what we're having!

Milestones: Getting past the worst of my nausea.

18 months of Emerson

We are half way through another year with you!  We can't believe how fast time is flying by.  You are such a friendly and talkative little boy with quite a bit of spunk!  You are definitely a man who knows what he wants and everyone around you is aware of that fact.  You are curious and oh so smart!  You are tall and thin, just like your daddy.  You keep mama on her toes every single day!

You like:

* Cords - you are obsessed with anything that you can plug and unplug
* When daddy gets home from work - your face absolutely lights up when you hear him at the door
* Playing with your friends at the park in the mornings
* Being able to pick a friend (stuffed animal) out to take night night with you
* Talking - you talk up a storm!
* Any moving vehicle that has a loud engine - the mail man, tractors, the garbage truck.

You dislike:

* When you are told you can't have something or go somewhere
* Eating - you are quite the picky eater.  I swear that sometimes you survive on air and crackers
* Sitting still long enough to have your diaper changed

Our favorite things about you are:

*  How curious you are - people are constantly telling me at the park that you are a curious little boy!
* How you look out the window and yell "Hola" at the landscapers
* Your blond hair - it is so blond and mama knows it will get even blonder as the summer goes on
* How you run up to mama and throw your arms around her legs to hug her

Weight: 23 1/2  lbs

Length: between 33 1/2 and 34 inches

Clothing Size: All 12-18 month   

Diaper Size: You are still a size 3!

Eating:  You are no longer nursing.  It was a pretty easy thing for you to cut out.  You usually eat breakfast, lunch and dinner...when you feel like it.  You love to snack and you drink a ton of milk in the morning.

Sleep: We had a rough few months of night sleep from around 16 months-18 months, but you are back to sleeping like a champ now. You sleep from around 7:30-7:30 and you take one nap in the afternoon from around 12:45-2:45.

Milestones: You now have 14 teeth!  You walk and RUN everywhere.  You were also promoted to big brother!  Mama is having another baby in November.

Adventures: We went to Bodega Bay and you had so much fun!  You absolutely loved the beach and the ocean.  

Words that you can say:
Mama
Daddy
Aunti Mimi
Emma (Emmie)
Apple (appigah)
Banana (nanie)
Hot hot hot - you say this every time coffee is being made or when you know I'm cooking in the oven
Oh No
Papa (Baba)
Gabby (Babby)
Cheese
Yuck (ck)
Riley (Rahrah)
Bib (bibie)
Good
Beep Beep
This-dis
Lovie (love love)
Tickle tickle tickle
Yes
Edamame (emmie)
Hi
Bye
Ball-baba
Baby-bebe
Up-uppa
Lamb-mamie
Puppy-buppy
Uncle Tim - Titi
Water - wawoo
Lemon
Down
Done
Isaac - Isaaca
Bubble
Please
Egg
Off
Stop it
Mail man - meh meh
All gone
Buckle
Grandpa - gapah
Milk - gilpy
All done
Uh oh - uh ooh
Owie
Elbow
Cucko
Boom
Help
Crash
Cracker - crackoo
Poopoo
Peepee

Words that you sometimes still sign:
Please
Bath
ChooChoo

18 months old - running on the beach in Bodega Bay

We love you to the moon and back kid.  We think you're pretty awesome!

15 & 16 months of Emerson...

You have learned and grown so much in the last few months.  You went from crawling to walking, running and climbing.  You went from only saying mama and daddy to being about to say over 20 words.  You have grown into such a little boy.  You have a mouthful of teeth and you definitely have your own opinion on almost everything.  You are so smart and friendly.  You are so mischievous and lovable.  You are so much fun.  You light up our every day!

You like:

* Pushing the garage door button whenever we go on walks or go on errands
* Kitchen utensils
* Tearing the flaps out of your flap books
* Collecting sticks at the park
* Saying hi and bye to choo choos on our walks
*Playing in our room & on the balcony while mama does chores
* Anything that makes a loud noise - trains, trucks, leaf blowers
* Climbing on things - the rocking chair on the balcony, your high chair and ladders

You dislike:

* Having your teeth brushed
* Having your diaper changed
*Having your face washed off after you eat
* Having anything taken away from you
* When anything that makes a loud noise drives away

Our favorite things about you are:

* The way that you walk with your hands behind your balk like a proper English gentleman
* How you give wonderful kisses when you're being rocked to sleep - I'm pretty sure this is a stalling tactic
* The way you say "oh no!"*
*How adamantly you sign the word bath
* How you add an "s" to the end of hi and daddy
* When you walk up to mama, grab her face in between both hands, and plant a big kiss on her.  

Weight: 21 1/2  lbs

Length: 32 inches

Clothing Size: All 12-18 month   

Diaper Size: Still a size 3

Eating:  You still nurse for about 5 minutes in the morning and about 15-20 minutes before you go to bed.  You eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and 2 snacks a day.  Breakfast is usually the meal you eat the most of and you aren't really a big lunch eater.  You usually eat dinner pretty well too.  You drink anywhere from 10-20 oz of cow's milk in the morning and then have water and a smoothie during the rest of the day.  You love waffles with cream cheese and jam, freeze dried edemame, freeze dried mangos/apples/peaches, spaghetti, kiwi, pear

Sleep: You sleep from 6:45/7-7/7:30.  You take a morning nap around 10:30 and that is around an hour to an hour and a half long.  Sometimes you take an afternoon nap from around 3-4. We are in the process of transitioning you to one nap.  So far the one nap has been about an hour and 45 minutes to 2 hours long, but you've started waking up earlier in the morning.  We'll keep working it on for a little while longer.

Milestones: You now have 12 teeth!  You took your first 3 steps on November 5 and started walking really well right around Thanksgiving. You are the king of tantrums.  Sometimes I feel like we've already hit the terrible 2's. You can run and climb.  You can point to your eyes, noise, mouth, teeth, ears, hair, toes, fingers, belly button and penis :)

Words that you can say:
Mama
Daddy
Aunti Mimi
Emma (Emmie)
Apple (appigah)
Banana (nanie)
Hot hot hot - you say this every time coffee is being made or when you know I'm cooking in the oven
Oh No
Papa (Baba)
Gabby (Babby)
Cheese
Yuck (ck)
Riley (Rahrah)
Bib (bibie)
Good
Beep Beep
This-dis
Lovie (love love)
Tickle tickle tickle
Yes
Edamame (emmie)
Hi
Bye
Ball-baba
Baby-bebe
Up-uppa
Lamb-mamie
Puppy-buppy

Words that you sign very well:
Please
Bath
ChooChoo
Dog
Bird
Milk

We love you to the moon and back kid.  We think you're pretty awesome!