This morning I had a complete breakdown. I am almost 7 days past my due date and I am so emotionally, physically and mentally tired, drained and discouraged. I had a friend who was due the same day as me who had her baby last week and I have a friend who is due 3 1/2 weeks after me who is now in labor. That is what put me over the edge this morning. When Layton came into the bedroom and told me that this friend's water had broken I broke down. I completely bawled and I may have said some very irrational things at the time. Here are some of the things that I've been thinking and saying to myself:
- I'm never going to have this baby
- Everyone is having their baby but me
- I'm going to be pregnant forever
- Something is wrong with my body and it doesn't know what it's supposed to do
- My body is going to look like this forever
- I'm never going to be comfortable or sleep comfortably again
I'm hoping that I'm not the only overdue women out there who has ever thought these thoughts.
I want this baby out! Not only because I am completely uncomfortable, but because I have been waiting 40 weeks to meet him. I have been dreaming about what his little hands and feet will look like. I have been wondering if he'll have my nose and Layton's eyes.
Here's the good news. I have really been feeling the Lord speaking to me through all of this. Yesterday He reminded me of my life verse, Proverbs 3: 5-6, which says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." I heard Him ask me the other night when I was in the tub, "Are you trusting in me? Do you trust that I know the exact day and time that your son will come into this world?" And this morning I woke up with Jeremiah 29:11a in my head, which says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord." I love how that verse says that the plans for me are God's, not mine. If I were to have it my way, Emerson would have been born on October 1st. Apparently, that is not the way that God has for us and those are not the plans that He has for Emerson.
I am learning to wait through all of this. I am not an extremely patient person and I am having to learn patience. I know I'm not doing it very gracefully, but I'm learning it nonetheless.
I have quite a few doctors appointments this week since I'm a week past my due date and on Tuesday we will schedule an induction date for if he doesn't come on his own. That is the one major things that is getting me through the next few days, knowing that by Tuesday we will have a final date on the calendar. We will for sure know the last possible day that he will arrive. Until then I sit and wait ungracefully patiently.
Now I'm going turn off my phone and go sit outside and read a book. I need a mental health day!